I’m missing my brother so so much...
It’s not like how people used to say ‘I miss you’, but I REALLY miss him...
My heart is so desperate for him.
I can’t help crying as I wrote all this.
It’s really hard to lose a bro, a dear bro who is so close to me. So hard!!
He loves me so much; he used to protect me, used to control me, used to stop me from doing this and that.
No one will ever replace him in my heart. NONE OF YOU!!
As I reminisced about the past, the happiness, the anger, the sadness, the joy we had, how I wish he will be here.
How I used to blog about him using my laptop, how angry I was.
I felt so stupid as I always quarrel with him about it. Why am I such a horrible person? Why am I angry over small matters? Is online is so important to me that I need to hurt our relationship? Yea, I’m the one to be blame. I know no point blaming me since it happens. My brother won’t be back anymore. NOT ANYMORE!! HOW I MISS HIM, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!!
Like what my dad said, ‘everyone see me leading my life so happily, but deep in my heart, it really hurts and sad’.
No one will ever know how my family is grieving for the absence of my beloved brother.
He left without a word. He went just like that.
As my dad was driving me around, as I gaze at the beautiful moon tonight, it makes me cry. It reveals how sad my heart is.
I miss the moments where 3 of the siblings squeezed in one scooter and off we go to the funfair nearby my house. How happy was the lil’ girl being squeezed in the middle of her 2 brothers. It’s not like I was in primary school or secondary school but that was the time when I came back from KL. Imagine three young adults squeezing in a bike. I was making noise I wanted to go to the funfair and they brought me there. And the time when he tickles me coz he was sitting right behind of me. How I miss to fetch him with my scooter when I got my license.
I miss the time when he just woke up and he brings me for his first meal at freaking 5pm. He taught me so many things, esp how he earns money but I never bother to listen.
I miss doing things for him. He’ll always ask me to make his room smells better. He’ll ask me to tie his hair when he first had long hair. We’ll watch movie together in his room till wee hours. That explains why we were always piggying till late morning or noon. He’ll ask me to go and fetch his girlfriend. He’ll ask me to do cards or to buy gifts for his girlfriend. He’s a real sweetheart to his girlfriends. I know all his girlfriends is grieving too.
I miss him buying me pressie or giving me cash. There was once when Frankie came back and gave me a surprise, and we plan to go to KL and then to Genting with Huei. I’ve run out of cash then. He was in my room, together with Frankie. And he just agreed without any hesitation.
When he was using my laptop in his room, I’ll always be in his room. He’ll just give me money without any reason. RM 50 or RM 100. He even pays for streamyx sometimes.
As all his friends know, he’s a super STINGY man. But he’s not when it comes to me. Remember when he bought RM1000 of ‘ring ring card’, he gave me a few so that I can talk on the phone too. Yea, both of us used to hang on phone a lot. He and his girlfriend while me with my fwens.
I miss him calling me ‘girl’. We used to be the ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ when we were out – when he’s not bringing the girlfriend. I kept his picture with me, telling everyone that he’s my boyfriend, or I’ll get rid of some guys by showing pics of us.
I miss him calling me ‘fat girl’ or ‘ayam gajah’. That explains how fat I am among the siblings. I can’t be bothered to entertain him anyhow. He loves to make fun of me.
I miss the secure feelings that he gave me. I can’t recall when it was but there’s a night when I was in his room with his friends. He was somewhere at downstairs doing something. And his friends started to flirt me. Gosh!! His action somehow surprised me when he came in. ‘HOW DARE YOU DISTURBED MY SISTER?!?!?!’ And there he jumped to the bed and hit his friends. It’s not real, just fooling around. But end up everyone is pressing him on the bed. How funny it was and the hypocrite sister was laughing at the corner.
I miss the noise of him playing with my dear nephew. He pampers and loves my nephew so much. Whenever he comes home, the question that come out from his mouth is, ‘Where is paopei(Frederick)?’. Last time he used to ask where is mom but the nephew has take over then.
I miss him calling me out when he was in KL. He was with her model girlfriend, Samantha. She loves those scary games like top-gun and rollercoaster. So he was in Times Square with her and how funny he kept begging me to go over with my ex. I didn’t want to go at first but after he persuades, we went. That was the first time he met my ex then. I was a lil’ nervous coz he warned me before that I’m not allowed to go on date. That was during my SPM though. Although he warned me that, it makes me glad because I know my bro cares about me. My parents didn’t even warn me about that. That shows how protective he is over me.
I guess I can only write this much today. Enough of tears. Enough of typing. Till I’m free to continue again.
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