It's a BLUE christmas without YOU



Pic taken from here

It has been a year since you've gone..

Brother how I miss you, each and everyday.
You left us all so suddenly;there were many things I had to say.
Like why you stayed out late that night, when you were supposed to be at home.
I never thought never thought in a million years,you would be gone.

I guess you got your rememberance, whether it is good or bad.
I bet you never thought it would leave me all alone and sad.
Or do you care? Because you're in a better place,
And the tragedy of your loss, I guess I'll have to face.

I remember getting a call, that you had moved on.
I guess it's just hard for me to accept that you are really gone.
I want you to come back because I really need you here.
The thought of living without you is my greatest fear.

Sometimes I walk through the woods late at night.
It's the place you gave up, or maybe lost the fight.
I walk over to the enormous old oak tree,
And look up at your silhouette wishing it were me.

p/s: no internet connection, therefore couldn't post on the exact day...

more dreams to come...

i know i should have blog since years ago but i didn't have the time due to those assignments deadline that come one after another...
my maid dreamt of my bro on his birthday itself... she told my parents (i think)..
my bro was carrying baby Colson and plays with him...
my bro loves his nephews and he loves to play with him...
Everyday once he reached upstairs, he will eventually go to my sis-in-law's room to look for baby Frederick.. sometimes my sis-in-law was even changing.. how sweatz.. lucky he knows how to close the door... lol...

the second dream was the day before we went to his cemetery i think... or on that night itself.. i'm not too sure... again, its from my maid... she woke up to give milk to my small nephew, and then she went to open my bro's room and she saw him sleeping on his bed... that was what she dream that night...

It's his 25th birthday...

Happy birthday to my beloved bro!! 

Recalling last year, I've been a terrible sister...
I totally forgotten to wish my bro on 2nd of August..
In fact I remembered only on 3rd of August...
I've been so guilty about it...
Thinking of him sending me sms in the midnight when I turned 20 makes me even more guilty...
Now that I remember his birthday, he's not here...
Never thought that I will have no chance to wish him a happy birthday...

>And today, I did something silly...
I reached my cell, type a simple message and send to my bro's hp num...
I'm not being silly to think that it'll reach my bro..
But hey i've been doing this every year... 
So I thought I still can do it this year...
His cell num will always be in my phone book...
Always will be...

We'll be going to his cemetery on sat...
Shall be meeting Cassandra...
Guess His place is rather dirty now as we haven't been visiting for a period...

Again, happy birthday to my beloved kor!!!! Love you always!!!! 

You could have been 25 if not...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I dreamt of my bro the night I turned 21. It wasn't a really good dream though.
The content of the dream is I heard that he met with an accident where my parents & I rushed to his house in somewhere else. He was with my eldest bro. He got injured and were resting on the bed when we went to see him.

Somehow every year my bro would type a simple message to wish me. A simple message which is very precious to me. He HARDLY type any message, even when Father's Day come or Mommy's birthday, I'm the one who usually type a msg and then forward to his cell. And he will forward the msg to my parents. For my birthday, maybe he can't ask me to write a msg, thats why he typed himself. I think its very precious to me because this is something he type sincerely, sth that he thinks before he write.

He's a really good bro to me....

Am too busy to blog lately..
So I'm gonna jot down what have I dreamt lately...
And obviously I've forgotten when did this dream occur..

First dream :
Both my brothers & my sis-in-law were going for a vacation and they left me out. How sad! However, before they left, they dropped by my house and Andy gave me one big stacks of money which I don't know if it is RM700 or RM7000. He told me to hide it which I have no idea of it. He was kinda angry and then the dream just go off like that

Second dream :
My bro was in the hospital, injured. He was at the emergency department & we were waiting for him. There were like 10 nurses surrounding him and I saw the whole bed full with blood. Its kind like what we have to go through on that incident day itself. He passed away in the dream. Thats what I remembered so far in the dream.

My maid dreamt about my bro last 2 days if not mistaken. She saw my bro was entering the living room from the usual door and he walked straight to the picture of his which we displayed on top of the speaker. And right now, the picture is no longer there because it was sent to fix.

My cat dropped my bro's picture!!!

So, my mum & my maid were measuring cloth in the living room and suddenly, 'Ppiiiiaaaaannnnggggggg!!!'. That's what they heard and I heard from upstairs. My naughty cat jump to the speaker where we nicely displayed my bro's photo. The glass cracked. I don't have a good feeling though. =(

Plus from what I heard from Dad & Mum, it makes me not comfy at all.
There was this customer who was in the house the other day & he recalled about the very last time he saw my bro. That was when my bro was outside burning some papers.
And this particular customer who did those funeral and prayer stuff (something related to spirits I guess), he can see 'stuff' with his eyes.
He saw 'something' from my bro went up to the sky but he can't speak a word of that because it's forbidden. But one thing we're sure that my bro went to heaven. Strangely I have this fear in my heart when I heard about this.
"He's someone who can't give you a permanent happiness & can't walk the rest of the road with you", for what he says to my dad.
Sigh.. I feel so sad to hear about this =(

And then we were talking about this topic. Suddenly my dad remembered something. My dad was a strong Buddhist back then & he used to go to many temples. One of the people in the temple told him that he can't have 3 or 5 children, only 2 or 4 kids. If I were to have another siblings, will my bro stay? Or maybe if I'm not born into this world, will my bro stay with parents to continue the path of life? I was 4 months old when I almost lost my life. I had a surgery because of my intestines. If Daddy were to be slightly late to send me to hospital, I'd probably be gone now. But I'm here today & my bro is gone. Is this fate or is this something we must be alert of?? I feel weird & confused where people knew that he's going to leave this world before it even happens.. What about 'we don't know about tomorrow'? Do we actually know about tomorrow?

We visited Kor's cemetery before we pushed off to Langkawi...
The flowers that we plant before this are all dead!!! Hmm.. =(


The ladies!!
Cass bought the fake flowers and the 4 lilies cost her freaking RM 80++ bucks...
Plus the packaging and lil' flowers everything cost her around RM130. But because of she knew the boss, she got discount.


...the family...

I regret I will never see you again, not till I leave this world...

They say when you lose a loved one
Their soul goes to heaven forever
That's what happened to me
For i lost my precious brother
He was and still my friend and my protector
I just always assumed that he would be there forever
But then one day
God took him away
And in a way
A part of me died that day
I miss him very much
And think about him everyday
There are many lives that he touched
And always had nice things to say
Even though he's not with me
I know he watches over me
But i know that i will see him again some day
And i will never forget him ever
Because i know deep inside my heart
A brother is forever

I've quite a number of things to mention..
I'm hoping I won't leave anything out.. Am too busy to blog lately..

I've dreamt of my dearheart bro...
We were staying in one house together, only both of us..
We were much grown-up, having our own life..
It was one day where he juz come back from somewhere else..
I have not been seeing him for some time..
And then he asked me if there's any vcds to watch lately...
I told him I was burning one of the newest series..
He quickly stopped me because it wasn't nice at all..
It goes something like this...

Sis-in-law dreamt about him too..
She can't recall much...
My bro got a fwen, CS who is in prison right now.. In fact our family know him kinda well..
And bro do helped him alot and visit him quite often..
He even cried when his parents told him about my bro's departure..
Sis-in-law was saying either my bro told her that he went to visit CS or he's asking my sis-in-law to visit CS..
Can't really confirmed about it..

I was in the shop on Monday alone, with one of the worker..
Suddenly this Indian guy was asking if he can check out the photos on the wall..
Of coz i said can.. I don't really like it tho.. A lil' disturbing for me...
And as he was sitting in front of me, he was pointing to my bro...
Asking where is he now? So I asked which one...
'The yellow shirt', he said.

Jo : Oh, he passed away adi.
Indian : Huh?
Jo : *look at him* yea, he's gone.
Indian : *mumble a few words in Tamil* *paused* you lie to me izit?!?!?! How can it be?
Jo : What for i want to lie to u? Serious. He met with accident.
Indian : Aaw.. poor thing. He used to sit here *point at where I am sitting*
Jo : Yea..

There's quite a number of people who don't know that he's gone.. Sigh..
I miss him so so much... Esp lately... I'm missing his presence..
And today.. when I asked my worker to take some stuff to my car..
He walked out and press the car alarm..
For once, I thought it was my bro who came to shop..
And at that minute, the phrase 'bro is gone' came to my mind..
How disappointed and sad!!

I think I have more.. But juz couldn't recall..
I'll update if I remembered...

So, this was due long ago. This blog is set up as a memory to a childhood friend, and also to a brother who left too early. At the age of 24, the future looks bright and long, until one fine day, when fate decided to play it role.

This post has been due for a while, as I promise Joanne that I will start it off by posting up Andy's pictures. There you go with some early years pictures of Andy.

Frederick saw him...

It was the week when I went to KL...
There was one morning, when Frederick kept pointing to one side of the house, and he kept calling 'su su' (that's what he call my bro, Andy). So my sis-in-law asked, 'Su su searching for who?'. Freddy answered, 'Daddy'.
I assumed he saw my bro because he don't usually call 'su su' for fun. Only when we point at my bro's picture, he will say out loud.

**Visitation to bro's cemetery**

I went to those florist garden with Mommy the day before we went to Ipoh. So we've gotten a few pots of flowers for korkor(bro). Luckily we still manage to get enough coz most of those flowers were out of stock. Sigh.


...pots of flowers...
by : the family members, Cass, Aunt Pat, Aunt Khim, Unc Andrew and another pot is for korkor's neighbour granny

We pushed off around 8plus that morning. That morning wasn't that great. I was kinda pissed off and about to throw tantrum adi. Really annoys me alot. Well, I don't want to make the situation worse, so I kept quiet. We reached Ipoh around 930am, and then went for breakfast with aunt & uncle. Uncle led us the way to Cass's house and we picked her up. By the time we got there, it's already 11am. Ai Lui came by herself. She needs to work. And we start the planting session. It was freaking HOT i tell you!!! Crazy!! Thank God there were 2 Nepal workers to help us with the planting.


We're so grateful to have them helping...


Half way done...
The white cross is also from our church. She passed away one week after my bro.
Daddy was saying God sent granny to look after korkor.


Hahahah.. Poser!! Cannot stand. The weather was burning hot u know?!?!
Sweat like shit...


You know, uncle also can't stand the heat...
Lol...


Can you see what is that??
There're 'taugeh' in the dry mud. -_-"
And they are huge!! I was saying we can pluck and bring it to the restaurant.
Bwahahahahaha.... Jkjk!!


Finally it's done!! It's all worth our sweats.
The feeling of completing the planting is really satisfying.


Lastly... Family pics of us!!

I dreamt about him again the night before we went to his cemetery...
It was a silly dream though.. I feel funny when I woke up and thought of it.

I got to know a net friend and apparently he's already my bf (which is so impossible in my life). And then he gonna reach my house in the midnight. I can't be bothered to wait for his arrival, so I slept. The weird thing is he got my house key. That was his first time coming to my house. Morning came. I woke up late and then we went for meal. My 2 brothers sat beside him and make him to sit in between. Lol. Probably asking him tonnes of questions!!! Wakakakaka.. And that's my dream.

Last few days, my maid dreamt of him too. He was wearing his favourite sunglass and wore smartly preparing to go out with Cassandra. Probably he's having CNY also. Lol.

There was another time where his fwen, Wai Leong dreamt of him too. It was like 'Eh, CNY coming, aren't u going to bring me for shopping??'. That's what he said to Wai Leong. That was before CNY.

Mummy & I bought flowers to bring to bro's cemetery and plant. Aunt Pat, Uncle Andrew, Aunt Khim, Cassandra and the family members each buy a pot of flower. Well, I'm gonna show the flowers. About the planting, I'll blog later as I haven't upload the picture yet.


These are the flowers that we bought. We couldn't find much options as the garden is out of stock. Lucky us we still manage to get a few pots.

And I tell u, the planting turned out to be really really nice and pretty!!!

Will update those pics soon...

First of all...

CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

Today is the reunion dinner. Relatives are coming back. Yay!! Gotta meet my couzies...
All friends are back in hometown.
This is only the time where we can meet all your old friends and buddies.
Mummy is cooking tonight.

No cny celebration this year. No brother this year :(
We're missing him so much. *sigh*
Parents still crying in the midnight sometimes.
While me thinking that he's not gonna sit with us at the same table where we're going to have reunion, makes me cry. My heart is so pain. Where's my bro?
I'm like a lil' girl where I lost myself in a city & crying for my bro to come & help me.
Though I'm excited to meet my couzies, my friends, my uncle auntie, deep down in my heart, I'm so desperate for my bro.

Every year, I'll help him to keep his red packets(angpow) as he won't be around in the house.
Once cny is over, I'll gather all his redpackets and passed it to him.
If he's generous, he'll definitely give me some of the ang pow money.
I miss him joking around the house, flirting with my cousin.
Or probably bring me out for drink with his friend.
AaaWwW~!!
The thought of him not coming back anymore hurts more than anything!!

My house has become a cry-baby place. Not only mine, sis-in-law cried too.
There're 2 deaths occured in my family last year.
Early of last year was my sis-in-law's uncle who passed away.
End of last year was my bro who left us without any words.

Love you always, my sweet brother!!

The dreams that I see him...

First dream – The whole family was in my room and we were chit-chatting. And everyone planning to go for a trip which I can’t recall the place. Poor thing I can’t be able to make it. So, as usual, my beloved bro teased me because I can’t join the trip.

Second dream – My parents and I went to someone’s funeral. I’ve no idea who was that but when we reached the cemetery, it’s totally different with the reality one. The view is something like a jungle with a lot of trees. While they were burying the someone’s coffin, I went to my bro’s one. Somehow it’s so much different which makes me feel strange.

Third dream – I saw him wearing the tee I was wearing during the memorial service. That was his tee – a pretty new one. So I was asking him, ‘Why are you here?’ He seems like pay no attention to me. Probably I was invisible to him. It’s rather weird while I was driving his car and another fwen of mine driving her car and end up in a ferry. This really freaks me out.

I’ll note down every dream that I dreamt about him from now onwards.

My brother's Memorial Service - 14th January 2006

My brother’s memorial service was pretty good that night. I woke up at 5am to fetch Cass from bus station – she took bus back from S’pore. No idea why but I was terribly tired that day. So after having breakfast with her and Daddy, I went back to sleep instead. Cass helped out with Mummy in the kitchen then. I end up sleeping till 11am. Call me lazy pig all you want. I went and fetched sis in law around 2pm to come over and helped. Poor Frederick who cried so terribly when his mom left with me. As I browsed through my bro’s pics, I realised some that need to be edited. It’s too blank I feel. It was the time where I suddenly broke down and cried. That’s the time I realise how much I misses him, and how weak I actually am. I cool down myself and continue the editing. Cass took over then because she’s good in photoshop. I’m sucks with it!!

Its 530pm then. Everything almost had done except the fruits and cheese cakes. Sis inlaw cut the cakes and Cass arrange while me kept eating while sis inlaw cut. Lol. I did help to arrange though. We’ve predicted for 100 or more people to come. True enough there were more than that. Anyhow there were still a lot of spaces as we booked 150 pieces of chair. I was freaking out when I fixed the projector and nothing came out. Bath taken, and hair is nicely blew but just because of that few minutes that freaked me out, I sweat-ed like shit. Again I need to bath more than once in less than 45 minutes. I’m in a rush then. Service will start in less than 40 mins and me? With sweaty shirt, smelly body... EeeewWwW~!!!! So quickly I run to upstairs and take a quick shower. Cass & Jolene were in my room chit-chatting plus enjoying the coolness. I haven’t been eating since morning breakfast; just have no appetite that day. No idea why. Roughly I ate some fried meehoon that mummy has fried for the night session.

Service started. As they sang the songs, automatically I can feel my eyes are wet. I have to stop those tears from flowing. I don’t want to make myself look pathetic. Ai Lui came when pastor was preaching. She purposely rushes back for that night’s memorial service and then goes back to Ipoh the next day at 8pm. It’s my Daddy’s turn to say something. Omg omg!! I sobbed so hard but can’t stop myself from crying. So I’m the first to cry. The word that hit straight on me is ‘And Andy loves Joanne very much’. Ok, I almost break down but I controlled. I MUST CONTROLLED!! And I did. Daddy paused halfway and cried so much because he can’t afford to continue. He’s too heartbroken I know. I wanted to continue for him but somehow I was afraid that I will paused myself too. Mummy’s turn then. Mummy was crying too. Service finished then.

The food session. Everything is bro’s favourite food. I tell you, those people were so ‘ganas’. It really scares me and makes me kinda lost my appetite. Anyway I’ll be busy fixing the projector. So can’t be bothered. I entertained Ai Lui as she came alone while Cass was busy serving the food. Luckily she was there to help. Lip Keng (Aaron) came then. It was Daddy who informed me as I was inside the house. We talked a lil’ and I introduced him to Cass. And I operate my laptop and projector. Uncle is pretty impressed with my work but again it wasn’t that hard like everyone think. So that’s the memorial service. Everyone was really tired and I slept till 1pm the next day. Imagine that. O.o


From L to R – Dad, Mum, Frederick on the lap, Gary, CatMySisInLaw, AiLui-my bro’s current gf, Cass-my bro’s ex & me.
Ahh.. I was wearing my brother's tee.


It’s dad giving testimonial... And he sweatz alot. -_-"


Mummy’s turn


**scary**


The slideshow playing...


Paying full attention at my brother’s pictures

Unknowingly, tears started gathering in my eyes. I'm helpless, and I couldn't hold it back. My heart was beating heavily. I was afraid. I was in blankness. I do not know what to do, or what to say when I walk thru the gate. But somehow, I gathered my courage, and sped up my steps. I walked by all the guests, and I saw uncle (my friend's dad) talking to other guest. Then auntie saw me, and walked over. She whispered to my ear,"Andy has passed away." That was when my eyes became watery. Uncle came, and shake my hand. He said he have not seen me for very long time. Then the sister patted me on the back, and said "hi".

We had a short chat, before I took a seat and they started playing pictures of Andy, from the day he was born, until his funeral. I just sat quietly watching the pictures projected on the screen. I was emotionless. My mind kept on playing back those times that we had. I remembers how I first heard of him. It was from my eldest sis, who back then, found a part time tuition job, teaching Andy. He lives just a stone throw away from me, in the same neighbourhood.

The moment that hit me was when the pictures of his funeral was shown. The picture of his coffin, and when they bury him. It's hurts so much, I really couldn't imagine that he's now lying under the ground. All sealed up. Breathless.

After the pictures session, I wanted to make a move. So, I went over to talk to auntie, who told one of the guest that I'm Andy's very good friend since young. My eyes became watery again, and then I proceeded to say goodbye to uncle, and that's when tears started flowing down my cheek. This is the first time I went over to his place since his abrupt departure in November.

As far as I can remember, he's the closest person whom I've lost in sudden. My tears can vouch for that. Only time will heal.

Thanks Joanne, for "burning" me a copy of his pictures. I know you miss him. I'm sad with his departure too.

The Desperation...

I’m missing my brother so so much...
It’s not like how people used to say ‘I miss you’, but I REALLY miss him...
My heart is so desperate for him.
I can’t help crying as I wrote all this.
It’s really hard to lose a bro, a dear bro who is so close to me. So hard!!
He loves me so much; he used to protect me, used to control me, used to stop me from doing this and that.
No one will ever replace him in my heart. NONE OF YOU!!
As I reminisced about the past, the happiness, the anger, the sadness, the joy we had, how I wish he will be here.
How I used to blog about him using my laptop, how angry I was.
I felt so stupid as I always quarrel with him about it. Why am I such a horrible person? Why am I angry over small matters? Is online is so important to me that I need to hurt our relationship? Yea, I’m the one to be blame. I know no point blaming me since it happens. My brother won’t be back anymore. NOT ANYMORE!! HOW I MISS HIM, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!!

Like what my dad said, ‘everyone see me leading my life so happily, but deep in my heart, it really hurts and sad’.
No one will ever know how my family is grieving for the absence of my beloved brother.
He left without a word. He went just like that.
As my dad was driving me around, as I gaze at the beautiful moon tonight, it makes me cry. It reveals how sad my heart is.

I miss the moments where 3 of the siblings squeezed in one scooter and off we go to the funfair nearby my house. How happy was the lil’ girl being squeezed in the middle of her 2 brothers. It’s not like I was in primary school or secondary school but that was the time when I came back from KL. Imagine three young adults squeezing in a bike. I was making noise I wanted to go to the funfair and they brought me there. And the time when he tickles me coz he was sitting right behind of me. How I miss to fetch him with my scooter when I got my license.

I miss the time when he just woke up and he brings me for his first meal at freaking 5pm. He taught me so many things, esp how he earns money but I never bother to listen.

I miss doing things for him. He’ll always ask me to make his room smells better. He’ll ask me to tie his hair when he first had long hair. We’ll watch movie together in his room till wee hours. That explains why we were always piggying till late morning or noon. He’ll ask me to go and fetch his girlfriend. He’ll ask me to do cards or to buy gifts for his girlfriend. He’s a real sweetheart to his girlfriends. I know all his girlfriends is grieving too.

I miss him buying me pressie or giving me cash. There was once when Frankie came back and gave me a surprise, and we plan to go to KL and then to Genting with Huei. I’ve run out of cash then. He was in my room, together with Frankie. And he just agreed without any hesitation.
When he was using my laptop in his room, I’ll always be in his room. He’ll just give me money without any reason. RM 50 or RM 100. He even pays for streamyx sometimes.
As all his friends know, he’s a super STINGY man. But he’s not when it comes to me. Remember when he bought RM1000 of ‘ring ring card’, he gave me a few so that I can talk on the phone too. Yea, both of us used to hang on phone a lot. He and his girlfriend while me with my fwens.

I miss him calling me ‘girl’. We used to be the ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ when we were out – when he’s not bringing the girlfriend. I kept his picture with me, telling everyone that he’s my boyfriend, or I’ll get rid of some guys by showing pics of us.



I miss him calling me ‘fat girl’ or ‘ayam gajah’. That explains how fat I am among the siblings. I can’t be bothered to entertain him anyhow. He loves to make fun of me.

I miss the secure feelings that he gave me. I can’t recall when it was but there’s a night when I was in his room with his friends. He was somewhere at downstairs doing something. And his friends started to flirt me. Gosh!! His action somehow surprised me when he came in. ‘HOW DARE YOU DISTURBED MY SISTER?!?!?!’ And there he jumped to the bed and hit his friends. It’s not real, just fooling around. But end up everyone is pressing him on the bed. How funny it was and the hypocrite sister was laughing at the corner.

I miss the noise of him playing with my dear nephew. He pampers and loves my nephew so much. Whenever he comes home, the question that come out from his mouth is, ‘Where is paopei(Frederick)?’. Last time he used to ask where is mom but the nephew has take over then.

I miss him calling me out when he was in KL. He was with her model girlfriend, Samantha. She loves those scary games like top-gun and rollercoaster. So he was in Times Square with her and how funny he kept begging me to go over with my ex. I didn’t want to go at first but after he persuades, we went. That was the first time he met my ex then. I was a lil’ nervous coz he warned me before that I’m not allowed to go on date. That was during my SPM though. Although he warned me that, it makes me glad because I know my bro cares about me. My parents didn’t even warn me about that. That shows how protective he is over me.

I guess I can only write this much today. Enough of tears. Enough of typing. Till I’m free to continue again.