First of all...

CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

Today is the reunion dinner. Relatives are coming back. Yay!! Gotta meet my couzies...
All friends are back in hometown.
This is only the time where we can meet all your old friends and buddies.
Mummy is cooking tonight.

No cny celebration this year. No brother this year :(
We're missing him so much. *sigh*
Parents still crying in the midnight sometimes.
While me thinking that he's not gonna sit with us at the same table where we're going to have reunion, makes me cry. My heart is so pain. Where's my bro?
I'm like a lil' girl where I lost myself in a city & crying for my bro to come & help me.
Though I'm excited to meet my couzies, my friends, my uncle auntie, deep down in my heart, I'm so desperate for my bro.

Every year, I'll help him to keep his red packets(angpow) as he won't be around in the house.
Once cny is over, I'll gather all his redpackets and passed it to him.
If he's generous, he'll definitely give me some of the ang pow money.
I miss him joking around the house, flirting with my cousin.
Or probably bring me out for drink with his friend.
AaaWwW~!!
The thought of him not coming back anymore hurts more than anything!!

My house has become a cry-baby place. Not only mine, sis-in-law cried too.
There're 2 deaths occured in my family last year.
Early of last year was my sis-in-law's uncle who passed away.
End of last year was my bro who left us without any words.

Love you always, my sweet brother!!

The dreams that I see him...

First dream – The whole family was in my room and we were chit-chatting. And everyone planning to go for a trip which I can’t recall the place. Poor thing I can’t be able to make it. So, as usual, my beloved bro teased me because I can’t join the trip.

Second dream – My parents and I went to someone’s funeral. I’ve no idea who was that but when we reached the cemetery, it’s totally different with the reality one. The view is something like a jungle with a lot of trees. While they were burying the someone’s coffin, I went to my bro’s one. Somehow it’s so much different which makes me feel strange.

Third dream – I saw him wearing the tee I was wearing during the memorial service. That was his tee – a pretty new one. So I was asking him, ‘Why are you here?’ He seems like pay no attention to me. Probably I was invisible to him. It’s rather weird while I was driving his car and another fwen of mine driving her car and end up in a ferry. This really freaks me out.

I’ll note down every dream that I dreamt about him from now onwards.

My brother's Memorial Service - 14th January 2006

My brother’s memorial service was pretty good that night. I woke up at 5am to fetch Cass from bus station – she took bus back from S’pore. No idea why but I was terribly tired that day. So after having breakfast with her and Daddy, I went back to sleep instead. Cass helped out with Mummy in the kitchen then. I end up sleeping till 11am. Call me lazy pig all you want. I went and fetched sis in law around 2pm to come over and helped. Poor Frederick who cried so terribly when his mom left with me. As I browsed through my bro’s pics, I realised some that need to be edited. It’s too blank I feel. It was the time where I suddenly broke down and cried. That’s the time I realise how much I misses him, and how weak I actually am. I cool down myself and continue the editing. Cass took over then because she’s good in photoshop. I’m sucks with it!!

Its 530pm then. Everything almost had done except the fruits and cheese cakes. Sis inlaw cut the cakes and Cass arrange while me kept eating while sis inlaw cut. Lol. I did help to arrange though. We’ve predicted for 100 or more people to come. True enough there were more than that. Anyhow there were still a lot of spaces as we booked 150 pieces of chair. I was freaking out when I fixed the projector and nothing came out. Bath taken, and hair is nicely blew but just because of that few minutes that freaked me out, I sweat-ed like shit. Again I need to bath more than once in less than 45 minutes. I’m in a rush then. Service will start in less than 40 mins and me? With sweaty shirt, smelly body... EeeewWwW~!!!! So quickly I run to upstairs and take a quick shower. Cass & Jolene were in my room chit-chatting plus enjoying the coolness. I haven’t been eating since morning breakfast; just have no appetite that day. No idea why. Roughly I ate some fried meehoon that mummy has fried for the night session.

Service started. As they sang the songs, automatically I can feel my eyes are wet. I have to stop those tears from flowing. I don’t want to make myself look pathetic. Ai Lui came when pastor was preaching. She purposely rushes back for that night’s memorial service and then goes back to Ipoh the next day at 8pm. It’s my Daddy’s turn to say something. Omg omg!! I sobbed so hard but can’t stop myself from crying. So I’m the first to cry. The word that hit straight on me is ‘And Andy loves Joanne very much’. Ok, I almost break down but I controlled. I MUST CONTROLLED!! And I did. Daddy paused halfway and cried so much because he can’t afford to continue. He’s too heartbroken I know. I wanted to continue for him but somehow I was afraid that I will paused myself too. Mummy’s turn then. Mummy was crying too. Service finished then.

The food session. Everything is bro’s favourite food. I tell you, those people were so ‘ganas’. It really scares me and makes me kinda lost my appetite. Anyway I’ll be busy fixing the projector. So can’t be bothered. I entertained Ai Lui as she came alone while Cass was busy serving the food. Luckily she was there to help. Lip Keng (Aaron) came then. It was Daddy who informed me as I was inside the house. We talked a lil’ and I introduced him to Cass. And I operate my laptop and projector. Uncle is pretty impressed with my work but again it wasn’t that hard like everyone think. So that’s the memorial service. Everyone was really tired and I slept till 1pm the next day. Imagine that. O.o


From L to R – Dad, Mum, Frederick on the lap, Gary, CatMySisInLaw, AiLui-my bro’s current gf, Cass-my bro’s ex & me.
Ahh.. I was wearing my brother's tee.


It’s dad giving testimonial... And he sweatz alot. -_-"


Mummy’s turn


**scary**


The slideshow playing...


Paying full attention at my brother’s pictures

Unknowingly, tears started gathering in my eyes. I'm helpless, and I couldn't hold it back. My heart was beating heavily. I was afraid. I was in blankness. I do not know what to do, or what to say when I walk thru the gate. But somehow, I gathered my courage, and sped up my steps. I walked by all the guests, and I saw uncle (my friend's dad) talking to other guest. Then auntie saw me, and walked over. She whispered to my ear,"Andy has passed away." That was when my eyes became watery. Uncle came, and shake my hand. He said he have not seen me for very long time. Then the sister patted me on the back, and said "hi".

We had a short chat, before I took a seat and they started playing pictures of Andy, from the day he was born, until his funeral. I just sat quietly watching the pictures projected on the screen. I was emotionless. My mind kept on playing back those times that we had. I remembers how I first heard of him. It was from my eldest sis, who back then, found a part time tuition job, teaching Andy. He lives just a stone throw away from me, in the same neighbourhood.

The moment that hit me was when the pictures of his funeral was shown. The picture of his coffin, and when they bury him. It's hurts so much, I really couldn't imagine that he's now lying under the ground. All sealed up. Breathless.

After the pictures session, I wanted to make a move. So, I went over to talk to auntie, who told one of the guest that I'm Andy's very good friend since young. My eyes became watery again, and then I proceeded to say goodbye to uncle, and that's when tears started flowing down my cheek. This is the first time I went over to his place since his abrupt departure in November.

As far as I can remember, he's the closest person whom I've lost in sudden. My tears can vouch for that. Only time will heal.

Thanks Joanne, for "burning" me a copy of his pictures. I know you miss him. I'm sad with his departure too.

The Desperation...

I’m missing my brother so so much...
It’s not like how people used to say ‘I miss you’, but I REALLY miss him...
My heart is so desperate for him.
I can’t help crying as I wrote all this.
It’s really hard to lose a bro, a dear bro who is so close to me. So hard!!
He loves me so much; he used to protect me, used to control me, used to stop me from doing this and that.
No one will ever replace him in my heart. NONE OF YOU!!
As I reminisced about the past, the happiness, the anger, the sadness, the joy we had, how I wish he will be here.
How I used to blog about him using my laptop, how angry I was.
I felt so stupid as I always quarrel with him about it. Why am I such a horrible person? Why am I angry over small matters? Is online is so important to me that I need to hurt our relationship? Yea, I’m the one to be blame. I know no point blaming me since it happens. My brother won’t be back anymore. NOT ANYMORE!! HOW I MISS HIM, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!!

Like what my dad said, ‘everyone see me leading my life so happily, but deep in my heart, it really hurts and sad’.
No one will ever know how my family is grieving for the absence of my beloved brother.
He left without a word. He went just like that.
As my dad was driving me around, as I gaze at the beautiful moon tonight, it makes me cry. It reveals how sad my heart is.

I miss the moments where 3 of the siblings squeezed in one scooter and off we go to the funfair nearby my house. How happy was the lil’ girl being squeezed in the middle of her 2 brothers. It’s not like I was in primary school or secondary school but that was the time when I came back from KL. Imagine three young adults squeezing in a bike. I was making noise I wanted to go to the funfair and they brought me there. And the time when he tickles me coz he was sitting right behind of me. How I miss to fetch him with my scooter when I got my license.

I miss the time when he just woke up and he brings me for his first meal at freaking 5pm. He taught me so many things, esp how he earns money but I never bother to listen.

I miss doing things for him. He’ll always ask me to make his room smells better. He’ll ask me to tie his hair when he first had long hair. We’ll watch movie together in his room till wee hours. That explains why we were always piggying till late morning or noon. He’ll ask me to go and fetch his girlfriend. He’ll ask me to do cards or to buy gifts for his girlfriend. He’s a real sweetheart to his girlfriends. I know all his girlfriends is grieving too.

I miss him buying me pressie or giving me cash. There was once when Frankie came back and gave me a surprise, and we plan to go to KL and then to Genting with Huei. I’ve run out of cash then. He was in my room, together with Frankie. And he just agreed without any hesitation.
When he was using my laptop in his room, I’ll always be in his room. He’ll just give me money without any reason. RM 50 or RM 100. He even pays for streamyx sometimes.
As all his friends know, he’s a super STINGY man. But he’s not when it comes to me. Remember when he bought RM1000 of ‘ring ring card’, he gave me a few so that I can talk on the phone too. Yea, both of us used to hang on phone a lot. He and his girlfriend while me with my fwens.

I miss him calling me ‘girl’. We used to be the ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ when we were out – when he’s not bringing the girlfriend. I kept his picture with me, telling everyone that he’s my boyfriend, or I’ll get rid of some guys by showing pics of us.



I miss him calling me ‘fat girl’ or ‘ayam gajah’. That explains how fat I am among the siblings. I can’t be bothered to entertain him anyhow. He loves to make fun of me.

I miss the secure feelings that he gave me. I can’t recall when it was but there’s a night when I was in his room with his friends. He was somewhere at downstairs doing something. And his friends started to flirt me. Gosh!! His action somehow surprised me when he came in. ‘HOW DARE YOU DISTURBED MY SISTER?!?!?!’ And there he jumped to the bed and hit his friends. It’s not real, just fooling around. But end up everyone is pressing him on the bed. How funny it was and the hypocrite sister was laughing at the corner.

I miss the noise of him playing with my dear nephew. He pampers and loves my nephew so much. Whenever he comes home, the question that come out from his mouth is, ‘Where is paopei(Frederick)?’. Last time he used to ask where is mom but the nephew has take over then.

I miss him calling me out when he was in KL. He was with her model girlfriend, Samantha. She loves those scary games like top-gun and rollercoaster. So he was in Times Square with her and how funny he kept begging me to go over with my ex. I didn’t want to go at first but after he persuades, we went. That was the first time he met my ex then. I was a lil’ nervous coz he warned me before that I’m not allowed to go on date. That was during my SPM though. Although he warned me that, it makes me glad because I know my bro cares about me. My parents didn’t even warn me about that. That shows how protective he is over me.

I guess I can only write this much today. Enough of tears. Enough of typing. Till I’m free to continue again.